Daily Pages Day 1:

         I've never been good at "Lent". I feel like I end up in my own personal desert, year after year, feeling farther away from God for those 40 days of sacrifice rather than closer to him. 

         It isn't because I've "given something up" and I'm weak at self-control at all. It's just, year after year, I feel a distance between the Lord and I in what should be the season where I'm working to feel closer to Him, and I get mad about it and lose the point of it all. 

         All of the liturgies, the chances for prayer, the sacrifices, almsgiving, and more don't reel me into a deeper spiritual life. I feel a lacking, like a pulling away from God during this time. I feel myself yearning to be closer to Him, wanting to find ways to feel his presence in my daily life, and coming up short every time. It's like, the harder I try to get a deeper connection, the more He pulls away. 

         This has to say more about me psychologically than it does about God during this time. I've spent a lot of time reflecting on what this could mean on a personal level, to try to connect but feel more disconnected. To want to be in community with others, but to feel lonelier. To want to be seen, and to share your gifts, but to feel invisible.

         I think it all boils down to contentment.

         That's probably not where you thought I was gonna go with that one. I bet you expected this to turn into a psychological breakdown of childhood trauma or something about spiritual warfare, or some other deep matter.

         However, after much thought, I think it's about being content with where you are and what you have.

         I want to feel closer to God. To have the spiritual awakening, the supernatural connection to the divine that many Saints we know and love experienced. I want my divine revelation. I want my visions. I want to see angels. I want to feel Jesus with me, all the time. I want to hear God speak to me, to tell me something that I can use to help humanity. I want, I want, I want...

         But... do I even use what I already have? Do I already go to the greatest lengths possible to pursue my faith life, or do I phone it in some days and put off reading my Bible, or saying I'm too tired to pray a rosary, or thinking novenas are too hard for a person like me to stick to for nine days???

         I need to be content with the God I have, and not the God I want. The God I have is already great. 

         I want to be a Saint, but I don't want to suffer. 

         I want help others, but I put myself first.

         I want to speak for God, but I don't listen to Him all the time.

         I want to be an Apostle, but I don't give my best effort to being a disciple.

         I want to skip all the hard stuff and reap all the glory. I want the Jesus who came after the desert, but I don't want to walk with him in it. 

         And so, it all comes down to being content. With who I am, with what I am, with where I am, and with what will be.

         I may not like walking in the desert, feeling far from God, on what feels like a parallel journey with Jesus with a giant canyon between us, but it's what I need to do so I can see my faults and learn how to do better, be better, and then, after that dark, lonely journey, maybe I'll be able to feel God more closely.

         Sometimes, to enjoy the embrace of a loved one, we have to go without it for a while to appreciate it. So, I guess I get more out of my unsuccessful Lents than I realized. 

 “My grace is sufficient for you, 

for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 

I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, 

that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

2 Corinthians 12:9